A Really Good Example of a Really Bad Speech

That Pippa Middleton Best Man Speech

Some people aren’t funny, and there’s nothing wrong with that. They’re happy to admit it, and find another way to fit in socially. But then you get some men, usually Alpha Males with a triathlon habit and lots of charity event challenge T shirts in their wardrobe, who are so unbelievably supersonically thick and conceited, they just don’t realise they have all the comic sensibilities of a Stasi punishment block guard.

Here I’ve given my thoughts on just where he went wrong with his Best Man Speech.

‘Thank you to you all from being here today, some having travelled as both families have roots in Yorkshire, so I will say this: “Hear all, eat all, drink all and let your hair down”. Thank you to all the the flower girls and page boys, who have helped make today so special. They have had a very long day.

He’s meant to introduce himself. It might come as a huge surprise to him but unless he’s made a complete tit of himself at the church, not everyone knows who he is. Do not thank anyone for coming or being there or mention flower girls or page boys or any of that nonsense. By this point in the proceedings the guests have been thanked and welcomed a million times…yet another welcome could see more senior members reach inside their smoking jacket for their service revolver, and the find the nearest study. 

‘Firstly, some messages from those who couldn’t be here today. “Wish Pippa the best with the hair. We have really enjoyed seeing you and how you have mastered interpretive dance. Don’t forget to buttock clench on the star jumps.” That’s from Steve and the gang at the Crazy Feet dance studio in Soho.

I never go with fake telegrams and messages because they are just never funny enough…at least he didn’t ‘receive’ one from the ‘Ping Pong’ Strip Club in Bangkok. Hilarious. Not. 

‘Ladies and gentlemen, as I just said, I have the great honour of being James’ best man.

‘I have to say that James has made it a remarkably easy job since he has been here. He has been totally calm throughout.

Ok, he’s now been talking for around a minute and hasn’t said anything remotely funny, this is far too long for a Best Man to keep the guests waiting. The longer they wait the harder it is to land that gag..and I don’t know, call me mad, but I just don’t think this bloke has got it in him. 

‘Other than having to having to carry all of his baggage, the hard part was to keep the rings safe. James doesn’t ok now this but I have a habit of losing things. Not often, but they are usually quite expensive.

‘So I resolved to keep them on my person the entire time that they were in my custody.

‘We both got up for a run early this morning and James jokingly asked if the rings were on my person.

‘I had them in a shower cap tucked in my shorts. He said “really, in a shower cap? I don’t want that in my head when I am putting the ring on Pippa’s finger in the church.”

‘I’m sure it wasn’t on your mind in the church, but it was on your mind now, sorry Pippa.

If anyone can tell me how this is supposed to be funny, I would be really interested. Actually if anyone could tell me what it means, that would be even better. At best it’s completely unfathomable.  He’s now been rambling on towards the 2 minute mark, has said nothing about the groom whatsoever. 

‘I’m not married. But I took a girl home, my mother didn’t like her. Took another girl home and my mother still didn’t like her.

‘So I went out and picked a girl that looked like my mother, took her home, and my father didn’t like her.

A completely unrelated scripted gag from the internet. It has nothing to do with the bride and groom and is pretty clumsy, but yet again its biggest problem is that it’s criminally unfunny. If he’s still single I can only think it’s because his modus operandi is to ‘laugh girls into bed’…it could be done but it’s going to be like Leicester City winning the league and winning the Lottery all on the same day. 

‘James and I met 10-years-ago. Since then he did enough long distance together that we probably shouldn’t have any cartilage left in our knees. 

Oh, you high adrenaline guys…no really a little more about me and my Pepsi Max lifestyle…

‘While success on the track did not translate to the road, where James was involved in a police chase on his moped as a teenager.

What? This is a statement of fact that is meant as a joke. Where’s the punchline…hang on a minute where’s the funny bit?

‘But I have it on good authority that James is gullible. Early in his career, while racing for motorsport, James was asked to get some items from another racing team.

‘So James promptly asked a competitor’s engineers if he could please have some tartan paint. He then asked for sparks said for spark plugs and elbow grease.

I first heard crap like this as an 8 year old working with my dad. This guy wouldn’t know a joke if it came up and puked all over him. We are now half way through the speech and he’s said nothing meaningful and nothing funny. This is unparalleled.

‘After Formula 3, James pursued a career in the world of finance joining his brother at Lloyds. Once again his gullibility was tested after his team sent him to a bar in Soho to get the drinks then, since was full of people not of James’ sexual persuasion, decided not to go at all.

‘After a few admiring glances James, realising he had been had, and was about to be, turned on his heels and ran.

What I want to know is: when he read any of this out at home, especially that bit above, did he really think anyone would laugh? Has this freak been living in North Korea where laughing out loud is banned or is he on some course of mind bending drugs that prevent him from seeing that he lives in a humour vacuum and makes up for it by going for long runs in aid of charity. 

‘There was a time when both James and I were single. We took ourselves off on a boys’ weekend. I proclaimed to James that I was going to try it on with anything that moves.

‘I said to James, “what are you going to do?” He said: “Stand very still.”

Where do you start? Crass, dreadful rubbish which by now we’ve come to understand is this guy’s thing. Imagine if he came to stay for the weekend…’no, no guys don’t go to bed…I’ve got another real thigh slapper for you…’

‘Now to the love of James’ life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind. But that is enough about Jame’s spaniel, Rafa, I’m here to talk about James’ love, Pippa.

I think we’re covering old ground here with this guy…I mean, I would be slightly shocked if he actually came out with something funny but it’s way beyond his skillset. I tell you what: don’t compare the bride to a dog…just a thought. 

‘As James said, they met in Scotland in 2009 and a friendship blossomed.

‘They have a deep and instinctive love for each other.

‘I think I can say for everyone, that you look stunning. The image of perfection. I know that James first fell in love with your gutsiness and your spirit and then succumbed to your beauty. You make James extremely happy.

You have a voir la joie that warms the hearts of everyone who knows you and you have won the heart of the best man that I know.

I bet at this point he’s not thinking you’re not the man he’s knows…

‘With the wedding shadowed in secrecy, I can reveal, and wish the bride and groom a happy honeymoon in North Wales.

‘At least that’s where I presume they are going as I heard Spencer saying that after the wedding, he [James] was going to Bangor for two weeks. Enjoy the Welsh coast, guys.

Boom boom! Get it Bangor…Bang Her…Yeah? I have to give credit to this guy he saved the most unfunny, uncomfortable and genuinely shit gag until the very end. Unbelievably he’s not managed to say a single thing about the groom…mainly because he’s been too busy destroying his life. 

‘Now for the moment that we have all been waiting for – take it away Fred and Ginger.’ 

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