Groom speeches are not easy at the best of times. usually there are a few tiffs with family members to consider, a couple of ‘no go’ areas, or estranged parents attending with their new, separate partners. So spare a thought for billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, who this week announced his engagement to a former Texan supermodel 25 years his junior. Below I’ve listed the things that ‘Roops’ needs to consider when making his groom speech.
As he was born in the 1930’s Jerry isn’t going to understand any of his childhood references of listening to wooden radios, throwing things at crims in the village stocks, or dreaming of one day owning an orange. The age difference here is considerable and the fact that Rupert predates the calculator, the television and the banana, sums up neatly just what a challenge lies ahead for both of them. He needs to focus on the positives which is mainly that at his age he enjoys free public transport and cheaper car insurance.
Roops comes a place called Australia which is full of decent blokes who love cooking outside and have an above average interest in wearing shorts and winning…anything. Your average Aussie doesn’t really mind what he looks like as long as the pub is open, his meals consist almost exclusively of cooked animals, and whose idea of sartorial elegance is a clean T shirt with the arms ripped off. Jerry on the other hand has at least survived part of her life by only drinking Bovril and comes from a place called Texas where they walking around in leather trousers lassoing things whilst wearing massive hats with arrows through them, in a completely non ironic way.
This is obviously going to be key to the success of his speech otherwise Jerry’s extended family are not going to have a bloody clue what he’s talking about. As a classic Aussie he’ll often describe something good as ‘bonza’ or ‘ripper’, if he likes a person or a certain outcome in a sporting situation, he’ll say ‘you little beauty’ to nobody in particular, and he’ll admit when he’s wrong by using the phrase ‘fair go’. Rupert Murdoch has never used the phrase ‘fair go’. His phraseology is likely to become unfathomable after a few ‘tinnies’ (beers), and he’ll then sleep in off in the ‘Ute’ (SUV), before waking up to watch Neighbours(shit). Jerry on the other hand, and all other Texans, come from the only place on the planet where they communicate entirely by one stock phrase: ‘Y’all’.
There can be a lot of understandable frustration and awkwardness in wedding speeches when it’s a second marriage and there are children involved. When it’s your fourth marriage, you’re a billionaire and you’ve already shoe horned the most recent offspring into the family trust by paying the original kids over £200 million, things get a lot more interesting for the neutral wedding guest. Add in the fact that Jerry is allegedly looking to get her kids on the London housing ladder and in my expert opinion any mention of kids and money should be avoided at all costs.
I’ve said it many times but wedding speeches are not the time to be edgy with your humour. This should be a warm, inclusive and entertaining speech and he needs to steer clear of any mention of the disgraceful wholesale pastime of hacking peoples’ phones and ruining their lives. Rumours that he knew Jerry was ‘the one’ when ‘he did her phone’ and listened her voicemails are categorically denied.
Obviously being one of the most famous Aussies since Harold Bishop or the lady who played Helen Daniels on Ramsay Street, Roops is going to have his fair share of celeb invites amongst the guests, and he needs to consider how to acknowledge them in a suitably understated but grateful way. So, it’s probably best not to make any religious reference when saying hi to Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe and the buffet shouldn’t be mentioned in the same paragraph, and in no uncertain terms should he be tempted to mention going mad and bald in a blizzard of drugs, when welcoming Jason Donovan.
Anyway, far be it from me to tell the world’s most mega media magnate how it should be done. After all if you’re 84, worth billions and are marrying a Texan model…who am I to tell him anything?