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Michael Gove to donate brain for best man robot

Bob Geldof like many wise men, have said all along that although we're living in straightened times with the Coronavirus, something good would come out of it, and he's only gone and proved himself right.

Scientists and engineers at London's Imperial College have been beavering away behind the scenes for the last 18 months to build a best man robot capable of replacing the real thing by 2032. According to insiders it's been reasonably straightforward replicating a five foot 11 frame with one shaky leg, however, the real issues have been with finding the right kind of brain.

Speaking to us yesterday Professor Brian Storm said 'we've really been looking for a central processing unit capable of spouting complete shit for unlimited periods of time who doesn't necessarily need a whole load of information to keep talking.'

However, finding that level of sophistication has been incredibly difficult, and making it seem like a genuine best man, almost impossible. 'It's true we've been looking at all kinds of brains' the professor continued 'but you also need a hard wired ambivalence that when everything is going tits up and nobody understands a word you're saying, you can just keep opening the mouth and continue to confuse everyone. It's the essence of a classic best man performance'

Things hadn't been looking great for the team at Imperial until an intern from Heidelberg University's department of genetic experiments, Messer Schmidt, saw Michael Gove on the LBC interview where he attempted to pretend that he too, just like Dominic Cummings, has made 60 mile car journeys, just to see if his eyes worked.

'I am so excited on listening to Herr Gove' Schmidt began enthusiastically...'because to be honest with you I wasn't sure if I am not understanding this correctly, or if this man really is a Dummkopf!'

'In Germany we have saying that pleasuring yourself makes you go blind. No wonder this guy must check his eyes, he is the number one self pleasurer for sure!'

The team at Imperial knew they had struck gold after reviewing the interview and witnessing first hand the cabinet minister's unrivalled ability to talk utter nonsense and to keep going when he realises how much shit he's in.

'We got straight on to the cabinet office because a brain like that doesn't come around too often, and we felt that donating it to science would be just the kind of feelgood story the Government was looking for right now.' said Professor Storm, 'hat's off to Govey though, he said straight off the bat we were welcome to it, as he didn't use it that often, and when he did, it only seemed to make things worse.'

The team hope to bring Michael Gove in to transfer his brain, within the next day or so, although they have been warned by the cabinet minister they could be taking on more than they bargained for with continuous self promotion and random acts of treachery.

Written By
Adrian Simpson
27 May, 2020
  • Judins
    East Sussex
    TN19 7LA

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