Cov-I-Do…IKEA?

Obviously as we’re all sitting at home eating biscuits, watching box sets and trying to work out things like ‘why isn’t Father Christmas a main player in the Bible’, there isn’t much appetite for weddings.

No bride in the world wants to get married when the family photograph will look like something out of Holby City, and elderly guests will start keeling over into the buffet with dry coughs. So, that has brought about the subject of online weddings. It seems that there are some people who would like to think that if you can hold a family quiz online, then why not shrug off the limitations of lockdown, and hold your marriage ceremony online?

First we must address the positives. It would mean that a load of people you felt you had to invite but don’t really like, would still be invited, but you wouldn’t have to endure watching them eat their way through your savings, and then throwing it up into a bush outside. The money saved could then be spent on things that really matter like your own personal air drop of face masks, flour and pasta, and a tanker full of disinfectant. It would also allow you to make your groom speech without the pressure of a live audience whose assessment of your performance can be all too real on the day. And as nobody will have made any effort whatsoever, it will really cut down on the thank yous.

Guests can also pretend to be interested whilst having you on permanent mute as they maintain their semi comatose lockdown state of mental inertia, spreadeagled on the sofa, tongue hanging out getting gradually larger in loose fitting clothing.

The negatives are simply that it would be a joyless, cold, emotionally devoid experience, that would make online grocery shopping look like a good time. Of course there are couples out there who need to get married for more pressing reasons than just wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. Health and family issues make it a very real and immediate problem, and for them it could be a great answer, the main problem is the only people offering this is…IKEA.

Yes, the flatpack fun guys had put together an online wedding service, which if its meatballs were anything to go by would have been delicious, good value and a great cure for a hangover. Unfortunately it’s all in Swedish and you have to be in the same room as each other for it to happen…which sounds an awful lot like a conventional wedding if you ask me.