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Best Man Speech - 3 really isn't the magic number

In Britain we rarely invent very much anymore, but when we do it tends to be quite big - like the internet and recreational post pub casual violence. However, some of the innovation we're responsible for, isn't as progressive, and far more likely to end in tears. When it comes to weddings we led the way up until about 300 years ago when Martha Stewart was born, and she then put an American spin on things. Ever since then we have been experiencing a more American type of wedding, and many weddings in the UK now feature the term 'groomsmen', which just makes me think of stables and horse shit.

However, proving that we're still capable of coming up with our own ideas, about 20 years ago the British accidentally invented the concept of 2 best men. Yes, clearly not thinking that listening to 1 person talk for around 10 minutes about the groom is enough, we're subjected to 2 men talking about him, and in the worst case scenario - 2 separate speeches. For me, it's always the most expedient way to show how self obsessed you are, and just makes 2 people's lives difficult rather than one. All it does is add time to the speeches, when what you're looking to do is make them as efficient as possible.

The great thing is - just like Gillette when it had run out of ideas for its Mach 2 razor, it spent billions coming up with the idea of the Mach 3...yes, one extra blade, and now the UK wedding industry is following suit. The concept of 3 best men is becoming worryingly prevalent, and it must be stopped at all costs. If you really can't decide who to choose, then just draw straws, or get the other 2 to organise the stag party. Demanding that 3 people speak about you, is about as vulgar as it is counterproductive - nobody is going to be thanking you for a 3-way best man speech, especially the guys that have been asked to do it.

Written By
Adrian Simpson
5 Oct, 2022

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