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A booze assisted groom speech?

We’ve seen many reports over the last few months that tell us how much more we’re drinking thanks to COVID-19 and the roll over lockdowns. It seems as though most of Britain has little idea of what to do with their endless pyjama days than roll out of bed, straight over to the cocktail cabinet and start drinking to forget. Usually this means drinking to forget that one day this will all be over and they’ll have to go back to work like normal people and can no longer go on 3 month fully paid benders.

So, alcohol is more hardwired than ever into our day to day DNA. Before you know it, you won’t have made a decision, cracked a joke, told a story or tried to work something out, without being a little three sheets to the wind. As time goes by you’ll be pouring tequila on your cornflakes and won’t be ready to start the Netflix all dayer unless you’re well on your way, pass out in the afternoon and then wake up for an Amazon Prime evening powered by Blossom Hill.

It comes as no surprise then, that so many grooms are attempting to write their groom speeches in lockdown whilst getting gently plastered watching Cash in the attic. Alcohol makes people giggly, in the right amount it can make for a really fun evening, hell, some of it even tastes nice, but it rarely make you a better writer. Judgement, taste and accuracy all go out of the window after a few sharpeners, and that leads to a downward spiral. By the time you’re on the last paragraph names, basic platitudes and any form of punctuation will have all been disposed with, just so you can get to the fridge and maintain your personal ABV.

This is a dangerous route, and one that quickly comes into focus when you look at it the next day and are presented with something that looks like a cross between Egyptian cave drawings and a note from the IRA. However, what is worse, what is much worse and irretrievable, is actually giving your speech whilst hammered. So many people are on this trajectory, far more than normal, and the consequences are always catastrophic.

Each year a huge chunk of grooms, through absolute fear, oil the cogs with booze and then become a rambling, emotional mess, unable to focus and usually just come to an abrupt halt, or are taken down by some kindly relative. There looks like being many more of them in 2021, and please don’t become one of them.

It’s a really special speech, and to cock it up by being hammered is unforgivable. A couple of gentle beers is fine, but trying to add extra pizzazz to your performance through excess drinking is route one ot disaster. No one will like you for it, least of all your brand new wife, and these things tend to stay long in the memory. Chin chin.

Written By
Adrian Simpson
12 Jan, 2021

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