This is very straightforward. I am not a fan of clichés in wedding speeches and avoid them as much as possible, with one notable exception, and that’s the opening lines of the groom speech. There really is no better way to kick off the speech and to get people cheering from the beginning, than to welcome everyone on behalf of ‘my wife and I’. It works every single time, and anyone looking to better it, really is trying too hard to be different, sometimes, and only very rarely, the dusty old wedding clichés get it spot on.

EXAMPLES:

“Good afternoon everyone…on behalf of my wife and I…thanks you all so much for being here with us, and making to day today even more special….even the best man Dave”

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it is so wonderful to have you all here with us today, it really does mean a great deal to us both…I’m just glad that the best man Dave made it here in one piece…because the last thing I heard his full time carers weren’t going to release him”

I like to include any thanking that needs to be done at the top of the groom’s speech and to get it out of the way as early as possible.

THINGS TO REMEBER:

1. These thanks should only ever be reserved for friends and family that have really helped you out with the wedding plans and/or on the day.

2. If possible group them together so you’re not reading out a list of individual thanks. If you do attempt to do this it’s going to be very tedious to listen to, lose all impact and really start to rack up the word count.

3. Whatever you do don’t be tempted to start thanking the venue, the caterers, photographer etc. They are all being paid handsomely, and really, they should be thanking you!

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examples:

“I would like to thank Uncle Dave for coming all the way from Australia to the UK…which, let’s face it, is just like Australia but with slightly more swimming gold medals and slightly fewer blokes with non ironic mullets”

“I would really like to thank Mary for all her hard work making our cake, and for Cassie for making all the beautiful bridesmaids dresses, thanks to them you haven’t had to look at, or eat anything or look at anything that I’ve been responsible for which can only be a good thing. I have on the other hand been responsible for the free bar which I’m not saying is as good as a dress…but it’s a pretty close second.”

Some people go to extraordinary efforts and expense to be make it to weddings on the other side of the world, and quite rightly that should be publicly recognised in the groom speech. You should try to group these together as much as possible, so if you’ve got several different guests coming all the way from New York, put them under one umbrella and avoid thanking them individually. It’s also an opportunity to have some fun with where they’ve come from and where the wedding is, so a comparison between Los Angeles and Stevenage is ripe for the picking. Maybe as a pay off you could offer some way in which all that effort is going to be worthwhile such as the free bar/meal/watching you dance.

examples:

"Don’t worry uncle Dave your carbon footprint all becomes worthwhile when you see me dancing later on”

“I would like to thank Dave for coming all the way from New York, not saying that Dave’s usually late but to get him here on time we actually told him the wedding was last week.”

There should only be one absent friends toast in the series of wedding speeches, and that’s usually taken care of by the groom. I like to put the absent friend’s toast towards the start of the speech because you want to end on a positive, celebratory note and not to bring things down.

It all depends on how close your relationship was with friends and family that have passed away, but obviously the closer you were, the more detail you’re going to put into this section. Parents who have died, obviously deserve a really special mention, and as difficult as it may be, you’re still going to have to treat this as an overview, and don’t be tempted to go into too much detail. The day is about one person: the bride, and you need to keep the spotlight on her – in other words don’t write a mini eulogy.

examples:

"Don’t worry uncle Dave your carbon footprint all becomes worthwhile when you see me dancing later on”

“I would like to thank Dave for coming all the way from New York, not saying that Dave’s usually late but to get him here on time we actually told him the wedding was last week.”

This is pretty much the only time in your life that you’re going to stand up and tell a room full of people what amazing parents you have, and what a great job they’ve done, so don’t blow it.

THINGS TO REMEBER:

1. You need to say as succinctly as possible how much you love and respect them for the years of sacrifice, hard work and generally putting up with you. Hopefully, you’re only going to get one stab at this, so chose your words carefully.

2. Again, recounting specific stories here really eats into the words, and I would only ever use one if it had a killer punchline, and keep the whole thing down to a couple of punchy sentences.

3. Talking about your parents is always fertile ground for having some fun, and will balance out the more heartfelt things you might like to say, so what is it that you have, or haven’t, inherited from your parents, and how can you make that funny?

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examples:

“Dad, I would like to thank you for passing on your brains…well, I say thank you but as they only led me to becoming an estate agent, the juries out as to exactly how useful they really have been.”

“Dad, thanks for the hair genetics, you really shouldn’t have. I mean you REALLY shouldn’t have.”

What you’re looking to do here is achieve roughly the same world count for both sets of parents. Focussing on one set of parents is the kind of thing that really sticks out in a speech, and usually grooms are guilty of giving their new in laws the big up, and skimping on their own mum and dad, so make sure it’s even.

THINGS TO REMEBER:

1. Here you talk about how they’ve welcomed you into their family, and what it is about them that you love so much.

2. Try to draw parallels between the people they are, the way they raised their daughter and the person she is today.

3. If there are specific times you’ve shared together that really mean something, then here’s where to add them in.

4. If there’s any conflict between you and either your parents and/or the bride’s, then just glide over it. Don’t use the speech as attempt to point score, as it will only backfire.

I much prefer to handle the best man in the middle of the speech and avoid any clumsy handover at the end, because I believe the conclusion of your speech should be all about the bride. You need to say what a great friend/brother he has been and how much better your life has been for having him in it. This isn’t to be taken lightly, best men are appointed because of their close connection, and it’s the only time you’re ever going to get to let everyone know what he means to you, so make the most of it. Then you need to find a way of having some fun with his character and exploiting some of his weaknesses etc. that might suggest why his judgment could be poor.

examples:

“Jake is an estate agent, he’s paid to tell lies, so prepare yourself for some of his most creative work yet!”

“It should be noted that Dave is a Sunderland fan and so has never been amongst a crowd of happy people before and will probably react by creating controversy just so he can feel comfortable again.

Nowadays, some people like to refer to them as groomsmen, but they all do the same job: support the groom in the run up to the wedding and ion the big day itself. When you’re thanking ushers keep it general, light and funny, and please don’t find things to say about each and every one, otherwise we’re going to be here all day. This should be fun as well, so if there’s a way of collectively having a laugh with them, exploit it. If you are going to mention the stag weekend or bachelor party, and it’s not something I’d recommend, then do it here, and go light on detail.

It’s your job to talk about and toast the bridesmaids, not the best man. You need to mention them by name, and say what a great group of friends/sisters they have been and how great it is that you’ve got them in your life as well. You could thank them for organising the hen weekend, and say what a culturally enriching experience that was for all concerned. If this involves sisters you should say how amazing it is to now be related…even if you don’t mean it! The toast at the end is the only toast that the groom has to make.

examples:

"Sarah, you are an amazing sister to Jane, and I am so happy that we are now officially family…you don’t have to agree but at least I come with access to free plant machinery hire”

“ladies you all look absolutely amazing, the facts that there are seven of you, and one looks quite grumpy is in no way going to lead me make any Disney comparisons”

This is the conclusion of the speech and in reality, should make up about 30% of the total word count. In these words, you need to describe how you met, what an incredible positive impact she’s had on your life, what her character is like, what she means to you and how you proposed.

There is a lot to fit in there, and these words will stay with you for life, so make what you say really count. On the other hand, you can’t be too gushy, because that can come across as a little clumsy too. Think about what makes her character unique in your eyes; what is it about your wife that makes her the person you want to share your life with? In these words you could include some short anecdotes of the times you’ve shared so far that highlight her character, passions and unique sense of humour.

This cannot be one huge chunk of emotion, there needs to be light and shade, funny ideas and observations about your new wife always go down well, and you should sprinkle these throughout. A common mistake is to repeat what you’ve already said but in a slightly different way. So, if you’ve said how much you love her in one way, then that’s enough.

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The Final Toast – You’re looking to finish the speech in the most succinct way possible so don’t drag it out too long. I always avoid toasting the bride in isolation, it’s never felt right and I think in the celebration of marriage only toasting one half is a little weird. Instead, just make it a general health/happiness toast and you’re done.

The closing lines in a groom speech are a contentious issue, and I’ve always diverted from tradition. The usual status quo when it comes to the closing lines in a groom speech, is to then hand over to your best man, and this for me, is getting it completely wrong.

The best man should have already been mentioned, the last sentiment and words you should say has to be all about your bride, so why make the best man the final part? Forget handing over to him, and leave at a toast to the future. Everyone knows he’s on next, and many weddings have an MC to remind them.

You can have a great speech but it will all come to nothing if you can’t land it on the day. Here are my thoughts on the three main delivery methods.

1. Memorise the whole speech – this is not for the feint hearted and as grooms are normally manically busy finding the time to devote to it proves tricky. Also you tend to focus on recalling the speech so much that genuine performance is affected. A mental block can prove catastrophic.

2. Cue Cards – this is probably the most popular way for most groom speeches and does work really well, but you have to know it inside out. Keep reading it every spare minute you have and it will cement itself in your mind. Remember the key words that make a joke sing.

3. Reading from a sheet – Contrary to what some may say, this can work really well. There are just a few things you need to bear in mind: speak as slowly and purposefully as possible, lots of pauses and LOADS of eye contact. Make sure you have something to rest the sheets on as they will be flapping around like crazy if you don’t.

This is a really common tricky area, and on that needs to be handled very carefully especially if new partners are involved. Take them one at a time and make sure you give each parent an equal measure. If their new partners have been around for a long time and have had a big impact on your life, then this needs to be recognised.

I usually start with the father, but with Jewish weddings you should probably start with the mother. What you’re looking to do is not give any opportunity for inequality, so don’t wax lyrical about your dad’s new partner and go light on your mum – the ramifications of this speech will last for many years. If either parent has a very new partner on the scene, then it’s best to just omit them altogether.

This is a hugely important ingredient to any really great groom speech. If you make people laugh, they’ll love you for it and listen to everything you’ve got to say, and it acts as the perfect balance to some of the more profound things you might like to say. This should be an entertaining speech with some pretty big messages wrapped up in it – the entertainment factor keeps people interested because there’s only so much emotion people can take.

However, when it comes to jokes and comedy, I’m not talking about the scripted gags you’ll find on the internet, this is about working out how to make situations and events in your life funny when you’re introducing people and thanking them. Work out what it is that’s funny about your new father in law and have some fun with it. What is it that your new wife doesn’t like about you? How can you exploit your best man’s character flaws? There’s comedy gold out there, you just have to look for it!

Many grooms see the speech as an opportunity to dish out a little treat to people that have helped and who also mean a lot to them, unfortunately it’s one of the most counterproductive things you can do in a speech. Making the whole room twiddle their thumbs whilst various people make their way up to the top table to collect tankards etc. not only makes the speech unbearably long, but also it stops it dead in its tracks.

Forward momentum is the key to a great speech and the last thing you want to do is have to get everyone back on board again. I always recommend handing out the gifts in a private moment on the morning of the wedding.

So many weddings involve the coming together of different nationalities and cultures, which adds extra fun and excitement to an already amazing day, but it can also provide a few challenges when it comes language barriers. I have written for countless grooms in this position, and here’s what I recommend:

1. Don’t attempt a dual translation of the speech in real time. It will unravel into a 40 minute marathon, and be extremely tedious for everyone.

2. Make the majority of the speech in your native language, but have two well crafted pieces you say in your wife’s language to top and tail the speech.

3. Many cultures do not embrace wedding speeches and whilst they’re happily curious, keep things on the shorter side – listening to something they don’t understand, their patience isn’t limitless.

4. Make sure the other speakers have thought about the cultural divide. Help them avoid lengthy/inappropriate speeches.

The groom’s speech is the one that can run away with you and take on epic proportions if you’re not careful. The main problem is that most grooms want to include far too many people in the speech, and talk about them in far too much detail, and there simply isn’t time to do that.

You should really aim for a total word count of 1400 words, which on the day, when read at a steady pace, will come in at around the 10 minute mark, maybe a touch longer with stoppages. Speeches always take longer on the day than they do when you’re practicing at home, but if you’re looking at anything over 1500 words then it really is time to snip a few words here and there.

You’ve also got to bear in mind that if the Father of the bride has spoken for a while and you’re up for half an hour, guests will have sat through an hour of speeches before they get to the best man, and that’s way too long.

It may sound counterintuitive, but detail really kills a speech. That doesn’t mean your speech should be a bland overview, but rather save the detail for where it really matters.

things to remember:

1. We really don’t need a full run down on the history and provenance of the venue.

2. When talking about your parents boil down the childhood memories to the most efficient minimum.

3. A groom talking about his new in-laws can often be swamped with detail, in a bid to underline his love and respect for them. Less is more.

4. When mentioning the best man, remember this is not a history of your days together in real time.

5. You can talk about each usher in detail, but if you do, be prepared to be already single by the time you’ve finished.

6. Be efficient with how you include the bridesmaids – a powerful summary is worth much more than a series of stories.

7. War and Peace as to how you met, the dating days and the proposal should be avoided.

Most grooms don’t make the most of their position, and that’s a shame because as the guy in charge you can do your bit to ensure that the speeches are a huge hit, and not several hours of your life you’ll never get back.

things to remember:

1. The first thing to do is make all the other speakers agree to a maximum word count, the more speakers there are, the less each individual word count should be. With 3 speakers it should be 1400 each, and then with 4 speakers 1200 each, and so on.

2. You should also make sure that you’re not doubling up on any content, so ensure that each of the toasts are given only once, and then if you’ve mentioned a close relative who has passed away the best man isn’t also planning some kind of tribute. Avoiding repetition is the aim of the game.

The maximum number of toasts I would have is 4. You need a general toast at the end, a toast to the bridesmaids, a toast to the parents, and also a toast to those no longer with us.

Of course, this is completely optional but ending your speech without a toast would be odd and also tradition states that you should toast the bridesmaids, so if you’re going to drop any of them it should be the parents and those departed. I would resist the urge to make more than four toasts, so forget the best man, ushers, helpers etc.

One of the pitfalls of a groom speech is having no balance to it because you’re far too keen to talk about your bride. Diving straight in to the subject of the bride might seem like a great idea, but the latter end of the speech and conclusion should all be about her, and so there’s no point in beginning the speech talking about her and then ending it talking about her. I have seen many groom speeches which are only made up of talking about the bride and how amazing she is. You can try it, but it won’t work.

Ok, it was a great few days away in Magaluf, Berlin or Ljubljana, but those things are best shared with all the survivors at the pub rather than in the groom speech.

Of course, you can thank the best man for organising a great stag weekend, but don’t isolate the rest of the room by recounting stories that make 6 people laugh and the rest of the room scratching their heads. All too often it comes across as boorish and a little conceited, and so far, has never made it into any groom speech that I’ve ever written.

One of the most entertaining areas of wedding speeches is reading what other so-called experts suggest adding to, or indeed making, your speech. You may not have the greatest speech in the world, but as long as you avoid these appalling pieces of advice, seen elsewhere, you’ll at least scrape through with your dignity intact.

so, never ever...

1. Rap your speech…unless you want to live with permanent PTSD.

2. Start your groom speech with the words ‘Once upon a time’. Yuk.

3. Perform a ‘musical mash up’…this is a groom speech, not the Edinburgh Fringe.

4. ‘Get other people to do it for you’ i.e. a video montage of friends saying their bit. It’s a groom speech. If you can’t be bothered to say it, call it off.

5. ‘Turn your speech into an audience quiz’. Toe curling, and about as meaningful as Blankety Blank.

6. Sing the speech…even if you’re that guy from One Direction, listening to an 8 minute song about parents, absent friends, best man, bridesmaids and bride…would be a legal form of torture.

Many grooms will search the internet looking for advice on how to write their groom speech, which is how you probably found me! However, most of you are searching for wedding speech examples, in order to simply feed in your on information. I wouldn’t recommend this it often gives very clunky results. Instead, I would instead use a little bit from a variety of sources, and that way you’re going to avoid having a groom speech that feels cliched and a little tired.