Man accidentally marries horse

Derek Bludger from Hull was left fuming yesterday after his poor eyesight led him to say ‘I do’ to a massive horse. ‘I’m furious to be honest with you’ he steamed ‘if the bloody government had come out with their lockdown eye test advice sooner, me and the horse wouldn’t be in this situation.’

This comes just a day after the Government expanded on its Coronavirus self isolation eye testing advice. Following the groundbreaking discovery by Dominic Cummins that experimental 60 mile car journeys can highlight eyesight deficiencies, Health Secretary Matt Hancock laid out exactly what the new test looks like.

‘It’s really very simple’ mumbled the pastel shaded Matt ‘all we’re asking the public to do if they feel that their eyes are failing, is to head out in a car, with no more than one other person they’re completely not related to, and drive for no less than 60 miles.’

When questioned about the specifics of the test, the ever physically shrinking Health Secretary said ‘It’s really very simple, if you don’t hit anything then your current prescription is fine…if you knock over a bollard, then again, as you say, we will have to look at that and that is something we’re looking at in a clear and transparent way…if you plough into a school gate, as you quite rightly say, this is something we are doing our best to tackle and we all need to tackle this together…if you wallop a pedestrian then again I quite rightly agree with you as does everyone, you should probably get some of those jam jar glasses.’

When questioned by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg how non drivers could test their eyesight in the current circumstances, Matt Hancock was able to give some insight ‘Yeah, we’ve been working flat out on this, and at the moment it’s either that thing you do with a sharp knife and your hand spread out on a table, or axe juggling…’

This has come too little too late for the hapless Derek ‘This is the last thing I needed. All I had to do was a 60 mile car journey to see if the bloody things worked and now I’m married to a horse. World gone mad if you ask me’