Funny Best Man Speech #6
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, before I begin I would like to properly introduce myself for any of those who I haven’t yet had the chance to meet. My name is Tim and it is my very great pleasure and privilege to be Brent’s best man for today’s celebrations.
Let’s be honest, Brent is a great guy and everything, and Cassie is wonderful lady but we shouldn’t kid ourselves here, there’s another big draw, something or more correctly, someone that makes this an extra special occasion. This is a celebration of wedded bliss and to have the stamp of approval from one of the biggest names in radio makes it all the more special. What can I say? Last week my listener figures went into double figures. The week before the studio phone actually rang twice. I’m living the dream, and you ladies and gentlemen are now part of that dream. Remember this face.
Anyway back to the other main event: the wedding of Brent and Cassie and more importantly the truth behind the man who counts one of his closest personal friends as a small dog named Sophie.
I first met Brent when we attended the University of Texas and pledged a fraternity together. It was here amongst the upside down beer bongs, ritual humiliation and complete lack of sleep that I knew I had met a friend for life. This may sound overly emotional and slightly premature but when you discover your new buddy is packing his dad’s credit card with no limits, who wouldn’t want him as a friend for life? Just for the record Mr. Schakett, I know at times you may have been concerned about the amount of money Brent spent on alcohol and food on that card. You shouldn’t have: the Shot Man Schakett never wasted any of your money on food.
But being good friends with Brent wasn’t just about instant access to limitless amounts of alcohol, oh no. It also provided instant access to limitless amounts of girls too. Thanks, to his boyish good looks, charming personality and all round good guy appeal, he was a hit with the ladies and was always organizing parties. Unfortunately for Brent though, he is such a warm, sensitive, small dog loving kind of guy that many failed to see him as potential boyfriend material. Until one fateful night…
This is a love story involving three incredible people…Brent, Cassie…and you’ve guessed it; internet radio’s very own Tim Sutherland…that’s me. Anyway, this night Brent was hosting another of his parties and I got chatting to a couple of girls who for some inexplicable reason wanted to talk about Brent rather than me. One pretty girl in particular just kept on saying how cute and sweet she thought he was…and I was agreeing but at the same time thinking “you’ve never seen him beer bong naked”. And then finally the eulogy came to an end and I went to find Brent. I told him about this pretty girl who really had the hots for him and immediately he shot back: was her name Cassie?”
At this point I could have admitted I didn’t know her name but just to keep things flowing I said “yeah, that’s it! Her name was Cassie!”
With my ringing endorsement of Cassie’s deep affection for Brent, he went all out to see that she wasn’t disappointed and from that evening he enthusiastically pursued her. Nobody was more surprised than Brent, however, to find that Cassie didn’t seem that open to his advances…it probably goes without saying at this point that the girl I had in fact been talking to, was not Cassie. But my poor guesswork gave my friend the confidence to pursue somebody way out of his league. Just for the record if there’s anyone else out there chasing dreams you can hire me to give you the wrong information any day of the week.
In the end it only took a full year for Cassie to fall for his charms and they became a happy couple. And so, as we find ourselves here today in this wonderful setting, once again enjoying copious amounts of complimentary food and alcohol courtesy of my great friend Brent, I can’t help but thinking that, in some small way, I am completely responsible.
Cassie, can I just say that you look absolutely beautiful today, I think we can all agree Brent is one lucky guy. I always had a sneaking feeling that Brent was batting way above his average, now I know he is! I have seen over the years just how happy you both are together and I am so thrilled for Brent that he’s met such an amazing woman to share his life with. Also if you could find it in your big, warm heart to allow The Shot Man and that credit card to come out to play, then you would make some grown up, financially independent men, very happy too.
Brent, you have been a good friend to me ever since we first met, and not just in the form of free shots and hosting parties. We’ve had great times going to the games, hanging out and making that journey from college to adult life. You’ve always been there for me when I needed it and both you and Cassie have been among the few to encourage me to pursue my dream. And for that I can’t thank you enough.
I know there will be less time for me in your life as I’ve now been replaced by a small dog called Sophie, but you’re catholic, and now you’re married – I can’t see that dog getting a look in for months anyway. However, I will always look forward to the time we spend together especially when for old time’s sake the Shot Man Shakett is once again unleashed.
Thanks for being trustworthy, loyal and understanding friends and I hope to spend many more times together for many more years to come…maybe also with that doctor wife you promised me Cassie.
All that remains for me to say is that I wish you both a long and happy life together and all the luck in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.