Funny Best Man Speech #3

Good evening ladies and gentlemen before I begin I’d just like to introduce myself: my name is Chris and it is my very great honour and privilege to be the first of Mark’s two Best Man…we had to split it…46 years is quite a long time to cover all in one go! Over the course of the next few minutes I’ll be taking you through Mark’s sporting heroics, dealing with incredible loss and being caned by people dressed as nuns…which in fact had nothing to do with the stag do.

 

I first met Mark at the grand age of four when we attended St Joseph’s Catholic Primary school and there began our journey together into adolescence and adulthood. Mark was an indifferent scholar in the early days but much more talented when it came to getting into trouble, a pastime in which he very generously included me. Now anyone familiar with the rigours of a 1970’s Catholic institution will know there were a few things that the church and in particular its troops on the ground, the nuns, didn’t like very much.  From memory they weren’t that keen on spilling water over other pupil’s artwork, and took exception to the seemingly innocent game of Top Trumps. For both of these misdemeanours we were caned…you can see their point, I mean who knows where Top trumps will lead you?

 

Anyway when Mark wasn’t failing to hit the top spot in the classroom he was also finding it difficult to do that on the sports field as well. However, with a modest talent and even less interest, he did the only sensible thing to do: saved up all his skill and enthusiasm for one split second of genius. Quite how he managed to catch the impossible cricket ball as it left our sports master’s bat, is still completely unknown. But with, uncharacteristic razor sharp reactions and gazelle like agility, he did just that, and won his side the match. Literally seconds after this Mark retired from all forms of competitive sport – at the very top of his game.

 

It wasn’t all academic and sporting mediocrity though, there have been lots of other things he wasn’t good at too, but let’s look at another side of Mark. Ladies and gentlemen, he has always been a deeply passionate and attentive person. Some of us whilst we were growing up found it difficult to project our feelings with the object of our desire, Mark could always communicate his, fluently and without hesitation…usually through a nice simple piece of programming. Forget school discos and trying to speak to girls, Mark had computers eating out of his hand. And it’s easy to see why:  with computers you can eventually work out what’s bothering them, they usually only ever break down for legitimate reasons and if you get fed up with them, you can just switch them off. You see, nothing made his heart beat harder or his mind race faster than a computer with a problem. It is a love affair that has endured to this day.

 

He was the go to man for everything to do with them and he’s been talented enough to make his early passion his career, which is a relief – it would have been a lot harder to make a living from professional Top Trumps.

 

Seriously Mark, I think the way you’ve taken that natural ability all the way through to your career is a testament to just how talented you are. And sticking at it to get to Leeds when formal education wasn’t your thing showed a lot of determination.  

 

And early life wasn’t the easiest for you Mark, we all have struggles from time to time but around 26 years ago you said goodbye to a very old friend and the pain and anguish was clear for all of us to see. I’d like to say that when your hair finally did leave your life that you dealt with it extremely bravely…that’s what I’d like to say but the truth is that for a while at least you fashioned the last remaining faithful strands into a sort of bar code across the top of your head. I think you can appreciate now it wasn’t a good look. Thankfully this temporary lapse of judgment didn’t last long and you took the now very fashionable shaved approach.

 

Now there are people, some of them are here tonight, one of them maybe speaking right at this moment….who thought the day would never come when the love of his life would be replaced by something else. That’s not to say Mark is a one dimensional guy, he loves his music and photography but there needed to be more in his life, to share the good times and help him through the bad. His beloved Audi TT is great at making him happy but being typically German, lacked compassion and is not that great at small talk.

 

Seriously when Mark met you Emily, everyone could see just how happy that made him. He’s always been a great bloke waiting for the right girl and everyone who knows you both will tell you just what a great couple you are together. Mark I couldn’t be happier for you today, we’ve known each other such a long time and I hope that friendship lasts for many more years to come.

 

I’d like to wish you all the very best for the future and all the luck in the world.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom!