Man accidentally marries horse

Derek Bludger from Hull was left fuming yesterday after his poor eyesight led him to say ‘I do’ to a massive horse. ‘I’m furious to be honest with you’ he steamed ‘if the bloody government had come out with their lockdown eye test advice sooner, me and the horse wouldn’t be in this situation.’

This comes just a day after the Government expanded on its Coronavirus self isolation eye testing advice. Following the groundbreaking discovery by Dominic Cummins that experimental 60 mile car journeys can highlight eyesight deficiencies, Health Secretary Matt Hancock laid out exactly what the new test looks like.

‘It’s really very simple’ mumbled the pastel shaded Matt ‘all we’re asking the public to do if they feel that their eyes are failing, is to head out in a car, with no more than one other person they’re completely not related to, and drive for no less than 60 miles.’

When questioned about the specifics of the test, the ever physically shrinking Health Secretary said ‘It’s really very simple, if you don’t hit anything then your current prescription is fine…if you knock over a bollard, then again, as you say, we will have to look at that and that is something we’re looking at in a clear and transparent way…if you plough into a school gate, as you quite rightly say, this is something we are doing our best to tackle and we all need to tackle this together…if you wallop a pedestrian then again I quite rightly agree with you as does everyone, you should probably get some of those jam jar glasses.’

When questioned by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg how non drivers could test their eyesight in the current circumstances, Matt Hancock was able to give some insight ‘Yeah, we’ve been working flat out on this, and at the moment it’s either that thing you do with a sharp knife and your hand spread out on a table, or axe juggling…’

This has come too little too late for the hapless Derek ‘This is the last thing I needed. All I had to do was a 60 mile car journey to see if the bloody things worked and now I’m married to a horse. World gone mad if you ask me’

Michael Gove to donate brain for best man robot

Bob Geldof like many wise men, have said all along that although we’re living in straightened times with the Coronavirus, something good would come out of it, and he’s only gone and proved himself right.

Scientists and engineers at London’s Imperial College have been beavering away behind the scenes for the last 18 months to build a best man robot capable of replacing the real thing by 2032. According to insiders it’s been reasonably straightforward replicating a five foot 11 frame with one shaky leg, however, the real issues have been with finding the right kind of brain.

Speaking to us yesterday Professor Brian Storm said ‘we’ve really been looking for a central processing unit capable of spouting complete shit for unlimited periods of time who doesn’t necessarily need a whole load of information to keep talking.’

However, finding that level of sophistication has been incredibly difficult, and making it seem like a genuine best man, almost impossible. ‘It’s true we’ve been looking at all kinds of brains’ the professor continued ‘but you also need a hard wired ambivalence that when everything is going tits up and nobody understands a word you’re saying, you can just keep opening the mouth and continue to confuse everyone. It’s the essence of a classic best man performance’

Things hadn’t been looking great for the team at Imperial until an intern from Heidelberg University’s department of genetic experiments, Messer Schmidt, saw Michael Gove on the LBC interview where he attempted to pretend that he too, just like Dominic Cummings, has made 60 mile car journeys, just to see if his eyes worked.

‘I am so excited on listening to Herr Gove’ Schmidt began enthusiastically…’because to be honest with you I wasn’t sure if I am not understanding this correctly, or if this man really is a Dummkopf!’

‘In Germany we have saying that pleasuring yourself makes you go blind. No wonder this guy must check his eyes, he is the number one self pleasurer for sure!’

The team at Imperial knew they had struck gold after reviewing the interview and witnessing first hand the cabinet minister’s unrivalled ability to talk utter nonsense and to keep going when he realises how much shit he’s in.

‘We got straight on to the cabinet office because a brain like that doesn’t come around too often, and we felt that donating it to science would be just the kind of feelgood story the Government was looking for right now.’ said Professor Storm, ‘hat’s off to Govey though, he said straight off the bat we were welcome to it, as he didn’t use it that often, and when he did, it only seemed to make things worse.’

The team hope to bring Michael Gove in to transfer his brain, within the next day or so, although they have been warned by the cabinet minister they could be taking on more than they bargained for with continuous self promotion and random acts of treachery.

The only type of best man speech

There is only one type of best man speech…and that’s a really funny one. I often speak to guys who say that all they want to do is get up there, say a few lovely words about the bride and groom, toast them and sit down. Well, do so and repent at leisure.

Whether you like it or not, everyone is expecting you to make them laugh. We all know that the best man speech is billed as the entertainment, and if you don’t step up to that role, then there are going to be a lot of confused and disappointed people. In most cases people want to go for a short speech because many best men are paralysed by the thought of making a room full of people laugh, and I completely get that. Making people laugh is a hard won skill, and it takes a lot of thought to get it just right. Those guys that can just rock up and do it effortlessly are few and far between. However, you can’t run from that challenge, because you’re missing the point – this speech isn’t about you, it’s about the groom.

Yes, you might be worried about being funny, but the groom is expecting a comedy send off and it’s your job to deliver. You’ve got to remember that the guests are all on your side, so they’re willing and ready to laugh along with your speech, and if it goes a bit wonky, they’ll love you for trying. And nothing beats the feeling of sitting down to raucous applause and laughter. You’ve got to believe you can do this, and it’s far better to have tried than to give up before you start.

Fake plastic…telegrammes

So many best men that I write for all say the same thing: ‘I haven’t got anything to say!’, and this can be for a whole variety of reason. Sometimes you really don’t know the groom that well, you maybe haven’t hung out with him for years, maybe he’s really boring, or maybe he’s so naughty there’s nothing you can say.

At this point I always advocate a little bit of fantasy to glue the whole thing together, I’m not saying invent stories to take the groom apart, but merely sprinkle some fantasy dust on it to make it funnier. However, it should be all rooted in truth.

If he wanted to be a spaceman when he was younger, then I would use that to create some sort of fictitious application to NASA, or if he keeps crashing cars, then link that back to the fact he’s been born with a big head and this impairs his ability to move and respond in a usual fashion. You can then stretch out both these types of scenarios to write the remainder of the speech – what life was like for a failed spaceman from Didcot. As long as it’s funny and related back to his character, then all is good.

However, whatever you do, don’t be tempted by the fake telegram business, which at best is nonsense and at worst extremely unfunny. There are Chelsea Pensioners that are predated by some of these gags, and as most best men live in fear of delivering a gag and it not working, then this is shark infested waters. Everyone in the room will have heard these before, and they’ve all had to go through the motions of laughing gently whilst sighing and desperately thinking of how to get more wine to the table.

These telegrammes normally come in the form of ‘the girls from the Ping Pong Strip Club in Bangkok say hi’. Whichever way you look at it, it’s seriously unfunny. Maybe when the first guy said it in 1908, it had the necessary comedy clout, but the crucial thing with humour is exposure. The more you’re repeatedly exposed to the same gag, the less funny it becomes, and the bottom line with a best man speech is…it needs to be funny.

Cov-I-Do…IKEA?

Obviously as we’re all sitting at home eating biscuits, watching box sets and trying to work out things like ‘why isn’t Father Christmas a main player in the Bible’, there isn’t much appetite for weddings.

No bride in the world wants to get married when the family photograph will look like something out of Holby City, and elderly guests will start keeling over into the buffet with dry coughs. So, that has brought about the subject of online weddings. It seems that there are some people who would like to think that if you can hold a family quiz online, then why not shrug off the limitations of lockdown, and hold your marriage ceremony online?

First we must address the positives. It would mean that a load of people you felt you had to invite but don’t really like, would still be invited, but you wouldn’t have to endure watching them eat their way through your savings, and then throwing it up into a bush outside. The money saved could then be spent on things that really matter like your own personal air drop of face masks, flour and pasta, and a tanker full of disinfectant. It would also allow you to make your groom speech without the pressure of a live audience whose assessment of your performance can be all too real on the day. And as nobody will have made any effort whatsoever, it will really cut down on the thank yous.

Guests can also pretend to be interested whilst having you on permanent mute as they maintain their semi comatose lockdown state of mental inertia, spreadeagled on the sofa, tongue hanging out getting gradually larger in loose fitting clothing.

The negatives are simply that it would be a joyless, cold, emotionally devoid experience, that would make online grocery shopping look like a good time. Of course there are couples out there who need to get married for more pressing reasons than just wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. Health and family issues make it a very real and immediate problem, and for them it could be a great answer, the main problem is the only people offering this is…IKEA.

Yes, the flatpack fun guys had put together an online wedding service, which if its meatballs were anything to go by would have been delicious, good value and a great cure for a hangover. Unfortunately it’s all in Swedish and you have to be in the same room as each other for it to happen…which sounds an awful lot like a conventional wedding if you ask me.

Bespoke wedding speech writer

Best Man Speech for Brother of Groom

There’s a saying that you should write about what you know, because obviously it’s much easier to be more accurate, convincing and engaging when you’re a slight expert on the subject. So, on the face of it, writing a best man  speech for your brother might seem blissfully straightforward, but as many people out there already know: nothing could be further from the truth.

Many grooms make their brother the Best Man for the wedding – it keeps a lot of people happy and in many cases they are the ideal choice. The problem comes when you’re considering actually how to attack the speech because you’ll have a sudden rising panic that apart from a few incidents as toddlers and on family holidays, you really don’t know the first thing about him, and how on Earth are you going to fill up a ten minute speech? I’ve said many times that a great best man speech is not a collection of stories and it’s not an assassination, it’s a warm inclusive, but very funny look at who your brother is and what he’s about.

So in order to write it successfully you need to have a complete change in your approach.

 

STRAIGHT LINES

At the moment you’re almost certainly looking at things along straight lines – an intro, a couple of stories and a sentimental ending. The straight line approach works only if all the guests have had frontal labotomies. You need to take the elements form those stories and match it with his character in order to make some witty observations. What does that story say about him? How does it relate to what he became? Extrapolate your thoughts and forget the detail.

 

IMAGINATION

Stop worrying about what you don’t know about your brother and make what you don know work even better, Use the facts you have about him to generate a description which should be quite happily held together with complete fantasy. In other words it doesn’t matter what you say about him as long as it’s funny and has some sort of basis in fact. Dream up what you like, the guests don’t really care, they just want to laugh.

 

FRIENDS

A lot of best men brothers I speak to, decide to go fact finding from his friends at university, work or renting days. This can sometimes work but more often than not the information is sparse and confused, and tends to send you down the anecdote route. Nothing will sound more unconvincing than recounting a story about your brother of which you have no first hand knowledge.

 

The best way to attack it is to look at the following things and then weave a narrative out of them:

 

  1. Likes
  2. Dislikes
  3. Passions
  4. Career
  5. Disasters

 

Remember keep it light on detail, as funny as you possibly can and within the magic 1300 word boundary, and you’ll be on to a winner. And when it comes to writ in something funny you’ll know when it happens – if you’re unconvinced what you’ve written isn’t that funny, then I can tell you without reading it – it’s not. You can always visit the best man speech structure page for more hints and tips.

 

 

Both the bride and the groom seem to be enjoying his groom's speech, as he carefully reads aloud form his notes.

Groom Speech Help!

Are you ready for the big performance?

 

It’s about this time of year that Grooms the world over start thinking about THAT speech. Christmas, has been and gone, there are no baubles to hide behind anymore. What you’ve been putting off thinking about for a few months now is turning into a hard reality and the sooner you get to grips with it the better. So, where to start? What is a Groom’s Speech all about and just what should you bear in mind?

 

Performance

Well, like it or not the Groom’s Speech is a performance, or at least it should be. Nothing will send a shiver down the spine of newly married bride more than the sight of her beloved unable to string a sentence together and completely incapable of raising a smile. If he can’t do that…what will he be like out putting the bins out, or fixing the tap or even walking and talking? Your genetic make up will be found wanting and quite rightly. If you think this is simply a stand up and say thanks for coming, you should probably apologise in advance.

Thanks

A Groom’s Speech has the most targets to hit of all the speakers, so you’ve got to be on your game and plan it so that the speech doesn’t end up being one huge procession of thanks. Listening to people thank other people you’ve never heard of and don’t care about is about as fun as dropping the toaster in the bath. Think about how to make each acknowledgement funny.

Humour

Don’t think because you’re not the Best man that a warm, humorous speech isn’t expected. It is. Any wedding speech without comedy is an opportunity wasted and simply makes listening to it a complete chore. If you haven’t said something funny within the first paragraph, you’re doing something wrong. If you’re looking for groom speech help and find somebody who disagrees with this, then they are talking nonsense.

Paid Services

Forget thanking the wedding planners, florists, cupcake makers, photographers, ring makers or indeed the guy who sold you the £3000 suit. You have a limited time to talk about the people who are important in your life and mean something to you. If you’ve paid for a service they should be thanking you, not the other way around.

Parents

This is the one opportunity in your life to publicly thank your mum and dad, so don’t gift it. There’s a tendency for a groom to be so head over heels in love with his bride, he falls head over heels in love with her parents. You should mention both sets in equal measure.

Toasts

You’ve potentially got the most toasts to make, although the only one you HAVE to make is to the bridesmaids. It’s always a nice touch to toast the parents and many grooms like to make a toast to absent friends. If you’re thinking about more than three toasts, don’t. Also never make guests stand for them, otherwise the whole thing is going to look like some sort of up and down oompah band performance.

Your Bride

There’s no question that this is her day, she’s the star of the show and all the attention should quite rightly be on her. However, when it comes to the speeches there needs to be some balance because listening to a ten minute ode to my beautiful bride will soon have the guests trying to stick forks into their heads to end the torture. You should always have a decent chunk about her in there but avoid making it a gushing, uncomfortable voyage around my partner.

 

Adrian Simpson | best manx speech writer

How To Write Wedding Speeches

Wedding Speeches – two little words, that actually cause an awful lot of frustration, trauma, and pressure for those involved. If you think that that’s an overstatement, I talk to people every single week of the year who have to make a wedding speech, and whose lives have been completely destroyed by it. Over 75% of us fear public speaking more than death, and that doesn’t factor in the added dilemma of public speaking and being funny at the same time, so it’s no wonder many people would rather juggle with sharpened throwing axes.

 

So, it’s time to rationalise that fear, understand it, and do something about it, and without sounding too obvious the problems all stem from the content. The reason you’re not looking forward to standing up and speaking is that you feel whatever you’re about to say simply is good enough; nobody will laugh, nobody will be interested. And chances are, if you’re feeling that way, you’re probably right.

All wedding speeches thrive on the same basic things: lack detail, humour, and length. If you get all those three elements right, then you will have success. You will stand up ready to make your speech knowing that the content, balance and timing are all spot on, and victory will be yours.

DETAIL

This is something that many many wedding speeches get wrong, and is is the single biggest contributing factor to wholesale guest boredom. Do not be tempted to go into any detail whatsoever.

If you’re a groom we don’t need a real time account of how you met your wife, best men avoid granular description of incidents, and fathers of the bride don’t give us every single qualification your daughter has notched up. The aim of a good wedding speech is to demand as little from the listener as possible, and nothing turns them off quicker tun having to sit through boring detail, when really you should be making them laugh.

Wedding speeches are an entertaining overview, not a job application.

 

HUMOUR

Every speech in the world works better for having humour in it, and wedding speeches are no exception, but there does have to be some careful consideration. Humour is never scripted jokes that have nothing to do with the people involved, it’s not one liners you’ve grabbed from internet sites, and it’s certainly not anything that is edgy and borderline obscene. Humour in wedding speeches is warm, inclusive, and genuinely very funny.

Being funny, if it doesn’t come naturally, is a hard won skill, but like most things in life requires time and practice. The real humour can be found in observations around people, what they do, what they like and how they act…it just takes time to think of the best way to describe things so that people will laugh.

LENGTH

The length of wedding speeches is absolutely critical, and something which most speaker get catastrophically wrong. A great speech should never go over ten minutes, if you’re talking beyond that point, you’ll be talking to yourself as the majority of the guests will be tweeting selfies to people they hardly know.

Guests have an attention limit and ten minutes is where it’s at – so many guys I speak to want to shoe horn in more, but it’s really counterproductive, and grooms are the most guilty of this. Do not think for one minute that everyone loves you so much they really want to hear exactly how you met each of the ushers, it’s simply not the case. Less is more. However, if you’re talking for less than 3 minutes, it could take some explaining  afterwards.

 

So, if you can get the three magic ingredients right for your wedding speech, then I can guarantee it will be a winner. Treat all wedding speeches as a good dollop of entertainment and not an opportunity to lecture and people to death, and you’ll be on the right tracks. And if you read it out and aren’t tempted to laugh at least once…then keep working on it. For more tips and hints on the comedy visit the Best Man speech Jokes page.

Avoid anecdotes at wedding speeches

Wedding Speeches – Death By Anecdote

 

 

Most of the people I write wedding speech jokes for for are not afraid of standing up in front of people and speaking. Many jobs nowadays require everyone form IT heroes to construction site managers to communicate en masse, whether you’re letting everyone know just how whoopy doo the latest software is or guiding people through the finer points of the coffee machine that’s just been installed, it all means speaking out loud to a group of people.

 

However, these same people have an automatic and overpowering fear of the wedding speech because in corporate life there’s no room to be funny. In a wedding speech there’s no room not be.

 

Being funny, either or paper or out loud, is not easy. People build a lifetime’s work around the art of making other people laugh and it’s hard won experience. Some out there are naturally funny and others will have a delivery style that will carry them, but for most it is undeniably difficult. Everyone from stand ups to wedding speakers live in fear of delivering a joke which lands flat; it’s hard for the person making the speech and very often harder for the guests.

 

But Wedding speech jokes are not about anecdotes. There is very little that’s genuinely funny about a procession of tales about the grubbier details of the stag do or about that time he landed up in a foreign jail. Funny really is about observation; looking at the bigger picture and thinking about how you can comment on that in an amusing way. When I’m writing a best man’s speech I’ll only ever have room for one genuinely fully recounted story, unless the client demands it. In the rest of the speech I might allude to them but there’s simply no room and no apetite to hear them.

 

Instead of leading us through the time when the groom was found with his pants on his head, think what that says about his character in a funny way and then make a slight reference to the story. Nobody wants to see both sets of parents openly shocked and nobody wants to see the guests bored out of their minds. If you venture down the Avenue De L’anecdote, that’s what you’re guaranteed to find.

 

So if you’ve sketched out some wedding speech jokes and they read like an extended feature from Loaded Magazine, then start again and incorporate thoughts from those stories in a much more subtle way. Either that or be prepared for some serious yawning.

Two Best Man Speeches

Two Best Man Speeches – The Worst Idea Ever?

 

 

It’s becoming quite common these days to have more than one Best Man. The reason for this is mainly just good old fashioned plain cowardice; you’d rather not offend somebody, who up until that point had been laboring under the impression you liked him the most. Or maybe you’ve been told you have to use your brother and knowing that he’s not really in a position to do your greatness justice, have employed another much more racy character to sell you in as well. Or maybe you’re just deluded enough to think that death by anecdote is a pleasant way to go.

Multiple Best Men speeches, where our heroes are performing on stage together, are notoriously tricky to pull off. In order for them to really work, the two characters must have a well rehearsed repertoire, that bounces along and never stumbles. Think of the way rappers hit off each other – that’s the kind of relationship you’re going for. By introducing two nervous people on to the stage, you’re simply introducing more problems and potential for things to go wrong. The best outcome, if it’s not throughly worked through, can only be speech tennis where your head gently moves from one speaker to the other every few minutes as they wait nervously for their next cue. If you’re going to go down this route then the only answer is stacks of practice, don’t just come together on the day and try to make it work. It won’t.

 

By having two best men you’re also going to increase the length of the speech and this is never a good idea. Everybody, unless they’re made of wood, loves the speeches but nobody loves a long speech. If yours is running at anything over 10 minutes, you’re on dangerous ground and should really be subbing things out of it. Getting two guys to make a speech can end in catastrophically time consuming routines and some uncle will be punching the air as it nudges past the 20 minute mark having just snagged the sweepstake.

 

There is also the concern by the Groom that by having just one Best Man the guests won’t get the full picture of who he is, and has been, throughout his life, up until this point. To be frank: they don’t care nearly as much as you do. Of course, they’d like to hear a few snippets from various stages but they’re not studying for a degree in the groom they just want some easy laughs and then a disco dance with their tie wrapped around their head.

 

There is, however, a far worse scenario: separate multiple best man speeches. I have just written for a guy who is a second best man and is last on the stage out of…wait for it….six speakers. Six? By the time he gets on, the guests will be several years older, interest rates will have gone up and everybody there will want to kill him. If he gets out of the place alive it will be a miracle. Hearing yet another speech about the groom but from a slightly different era is heartless, selfish and very uncool

 

If you do insist on having several best men, do everyone a favour and make sure they’ve got sharp and succinct précis of your life in their hands. They’ve also got to really communicate with each other to make sure they’re not crossing any common ground. It’s also worth considering giving the speech duties to only one of them. One of them, usually the non speaker, is going to love you forever and the other, once he’s done his speech, is going to love you forever. The speeches are a celebration not a form of torture and not an opportunity for self aggrandisement. If you love yourself that much  then get married to yourself – it’s almost certainly possible in America and probably way cheaper.